When an infant shows frustration - of not getting her own way, what words do we impose on her that will reverberate through her life, framing her, limiting her, undermining her confidence and intelligence? Frustration is part of life - and if we are free to express our anger it soon passes and we take on the challenge once more, learning perhaps to do things differently. But when we are forbidden to show our frustration, we internalise the feeling - and thereby store it up for later twists and turns - and we learn not to show our emotion perhaps, but more importantly not to challenge ourselves. "Keep quiet, don't show me up, how can you do this (to me), get off the floor, share your toys: be something other than what you are!" The messages are powerful and reinforced daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly unsurprisingly have an enormous impact on our later self-esteem.

In an incident observed by my wife, one little girl expressed her frustration but was told not to be "demanding." What would the little maturing Michelle make of this? Was she expected to understand the word? Probably not, but imagine the repercussions of years of such a request. Don't demand to try? Doesn't that imply "Don't demand to live"? Be quiet, sit still, don't upset, don't make a fuss. No, no, no: the words of slavery. A slave is denied her emotions, her rights, her existence. But what Moira also saw was that Michelle was already forming a cruel streak, a snatching personality: was it cruelty or a surgence of rights against perceived injustices? The child expresses clearly what we adults fail to express when governments poke and prod us and take away our things. So let's throw ourselves into her world - how would we wish to be treated - nearing on two? Ah, the tantrums, people say - but why the tantrums - are they so inevitable, or are they are reflection of something going wrong? Is it a reflection of a couple of years of ignoring the child's needs, of putting her to bed when it is convenient for the adults, of removing her from the breast or the family bed before she wants (and hence is ready) to have her own bed, of ignoring her toilet needs, of feeding her foods she may not like (and of telling her off for not finishing her food? - would we so treat a guest?) But if they are natural - a phase when the teething can be quite intense - they why we would say, "ignore your pain, ignore your discomfort and dis-ease ... you're embarrassing (me)?"

Does it really matter to us that the child throws herself down, kicks out savagely, breaks a toy? What should matter more is that we let them blow off the steam? Just as I would expect to be allowed to curse should I crack my thumb with a hammer and not be told inane platitudes such as "oh, don't get upset, you'll attract attention, there there it can't hurt that much [of course it bloody well does!], oh diddums, what a silly man!" And then attend to the child - listen to her, give feelings free flow and as long as she knows that her feelings are accepted sincerely, she'll soon pass through her frustration. In demeaning her, we are asking her to change her world and perhaps the world (e.g., "it doesn't matter that the boy took your toy" - of course it does: how would you like it if a policeman said that it didn't matter if that thief took your purse...?") Attend to her concerns, let her work through them - let her grow and the tantrums should subside and the anger become better managed through her own authentic growth.

Dr Alexander Moseley

December 2008